DS (2 yrs 10 months) is now sleeping in his own bed, voluntarily! We listen in on the monitor, and he know he can call if he needs me. He also reminds me that if I needs him, I can call for him. I posted the following in response to a lady struggling with sleep deprivation due to nursing two children at night, I am copying it here as a record of our experiences.
You asked how tough it was teaching your son to sleep independently. I can only say that for me, at the time, it was less tough than the alternative of nursing a 2.5yr at regular intervals throughout the night during early pregnancy. This was not so much about embarking on a mission, setting hard rules and sticking to them etc. as most main-stream parents would claim is necessary. It was more about being honest and open about my needs -- although a largely unbroken nights sleep was certainly a goal that motivated me, my actions at any time were driven by my instinct at the time. It was also very much about testing the water and seeing how far we could progress. In all honesty I may not have had the conviction to night wean DS at this point if it hadn't been for pregnancy hormones. I felt so strongly repelled from nursing during the first few months of pregnancy that I can really relate to the current thread on D-Mer. However, when I said that night weaning was tough, I guess that I meant that it was very hard work. All in all I look back on it as a positive experience. We shared lots of lovely times together in the night, not always happy times, and often very tired times, but very loving and very special none the less.
There was one exception when I very determined/stubborn and that left a very bad feeling for me. On this occasion I decided not to nurse DS to sleep at the beginning of the night and told him plainly that I could not do this.... I was exhausted and really felt that I couldn't. He understandably put up a big protest but I was feeling so determined that I decided to drive him around in the car (the only other way that he would fall asleep at the time) rather than give in, which worked, but unfortunately I woke him transferring him to bed and then then sat through 1.5 hrs of crying before he finally fell asleep. I honestly though at this point that after 2.5 yrs of patience we would were reduced to cry-it-out, but this was not the case, I made an effort to be more flexible from then onwards, and as it turned out cutting out the midnight feeds was far less stressful than the bedtime feed... which we have continued to this day.
Typically, when DS woke in the night I would remind him that we don't do milk in the night, then there would be a protest. I would calmly tell him that I love him very much but that I was tired and sore and needed to sleep. This would generally result in further protest and/or attempts to climb into my night-clothes. Then I would lie him down and either caress him (rubbing the sole of his foot was a favorite), or start telling a story, or suggest that we listen to all the night-time sounds. Basically anything to distract him. Any suggestion of such distractions would be resisted but once I actually started he normally got drawn in. Most of the time he only cried/complained very briefly (1-2 minutes perhaps) until distracted, but then sometimes it took a while to help him fall asleep again. All of this was tiring, but it never felt emotionally draining the way that it had when I had set my mind on not feeding him to sleep and stuck to my guns. It was actually quite rewarding to watch DS do things that had until that point seemed impossible. It felt to me like our relationship changed, but in a positive way. DS learned to respect my needs and I gained a great deal of respect for DS too.
You said that it is the younger of the two that keeps you awake the most. For our DS 18 months seemed to be too early for night weaning, it was just taking too long for him to adjust. But every child is different, and even though we didn't make much permanent progress I don't look back on trying as a mistake. Again I learned so much from the experience, for instance that DS was able to fall asleep in the gap between our pillows by pretending that he was in his car seat! I was quite amazed when that suggestion worked! We also established a verbal cue for falling asleep at this time. I would just say "sssh, night night." as he was falling asleep, and this cue has helped to resettle DS ever since. Also, the experience that DS gained falling asleep without milk, or when I detached him before he was fully asleep did seem to have some impact on how often he bothered me at night, as least temporally, so it did help us get through tougher phases.
I don't think that teaching a toddler to sleep independently needs to be an all or nothing situation. Each time that they fall asleep without the boob in the mouth they are learning something. In my experience once a baby, toddler or child has learned to resettle themselves without milk they do sleep much better, almost without exception. This has certainly been the case among my friends who sleep trained at various times.
I can understand your dilemma and your issue with not treating your two the same. I guess this could be tricky. However, I guess there are many things that your older child can do that your youngest cannot, and he has probably already noticed that your daughter wants/needs to nurse more often than he does because she is so much younger. Maybe he might be ready to accept that big boys do things a bit differently? I am often stunned by the level of understanding that my DS can show sometimes. A while back when DS was still nursing a lot more than now we were talking casually about when the new baby arrives and how much mummy milk it will need because it won't be able to eat real food and in a very low key way I expressed some concern about how I would cope with feeding the two of them. I was amazed when a week or so later he cheerfully announced that "baby will have mummy milk, and me not have any... and me do KIND things for baby!"
There was one exception when I very determined/stubborn and that left a very bad feeling for me. On this occasion I decided not to nurse DS to sleep at the beginning of the night and told him plainly that I could not do this.... I was exhausted and really felt that I couldn't. He understandably put up a big protest but I was feeling so determined that I decided to drive him around in the car (the only other way that he would fall asleep at the time) rather than give in, which worked, but unfortunately I woke him transferring him to bed and then then sat through 1.5 hrs of crying before he finally fell asleep. I honestly though at this point that after 2.5 yrs of patience we would were reduced to cry-it-out, but this was not the case, I made an effort to be more flexible from then onwards, and as it turned out cutting out the midnight feeds was far less stressful than the bedtime feed... which we have continued to this day.
Typically, when DS woke in the night I would remind him that we don't do milk in the night, then there would be a protest. I would calmly tell him that I love him very much but that I was tired and sore and needed to sleep. This would generally result in further protest and/or attempts to climb into my night-clothes. Then I would lie him down and either caress him (rubbing the sole of his foot was a favorite), or start telling a story, or suggest that we listen to all the night-time sounds. Basically anything to distract him. Any suggestion of such distractions would be resisted but once I actually started he normally got drawn in. Most of the time he only cried/complained very briefly (1-2 minutes perhaps) until distracted, but then sometimes it took a while to help him fall asleep again. All of this was tiring, but it never felt emotionally draining the way that it had when I had set my mind on not feeding him to sleep and stuck to my guns. It was actually quite rewarding to watch DS do things that had until that point seemed impossible. It felt to me like our relationship changed, but in a positive way. DS learned to respect my needs and I gained a great deal of respect for DS too.
You said that it is the younger of the two that keeps you awake the most. For our DS 18 months seemed to be too early for night weaning, it was just taking too long for him to adjust. But every child is different, and even though we didn't make much permanent progress I don't look back on trying as a mistake. Again I learned so much from the experience, for instance that DS was able to fall asleep in the gap between our pillows by pretending that he was in his car seat! I was quite amazed when that suggestion worked! We also established a verbal cue for falling asleep at this time. I would just say "sssh, night night." as he was falling asleep, and this cue has helped to resettle DS ever since. Also, the experience that DS gained falling asleep without milk, or when I detached him before he was fully asleep did seem to have some impact on how often he bothered me at night, as least temporally, so it did help us get through tougher phases.
I don't think that teaching a toddler to sleep independently needs to be an all or nothing situation. Each time that they fall asleep without the boob in the mouth they are learning something. In my experience once a baby, toddler or child has learned to resettle themselves without milk they do sleep much better, almost without exception. This has certainly been the case among my friends who sleep trained at various times.
I can understand your dilemma and your issue with not treating your two the same. I guess this could be tricky. However, I guess there are many things that your older child can do that your youngest cannot, and he has probably already noticed that your daughter wants/needs to nurse more often than he does because she is so much younger. Maybe he might be ready to accept that big boys do things a bit differently? I am often stunned by the level of understanding that my DS can show sometimes. A while back when DS was still nursing a lot more than now we were talking casually about when the new baby arrives and how much mummy milk it will need because it won't be able to eat real food and in a very low key way I expressed some concern about how I would cope with feeding the two of them. I was amazed when a week or so later he cheerfully announced that "baby will have mummy milk, and me not have any... and me do KIND things for baby!"
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